WHY DO PARENTS LIKE RESPONSIBILITY?

sakurasanta86

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They shift to children, I mean.

Just now, my grandmother pushed food into his grandson, which he did not want, and the food fell out of his mouth. Then the grandmother blamed her grandson that he stained her a chair ...
I see similar examples around all the time. Adults think that children are able to think like adults, but they themselves are unable to understand the child. Maybe adults themselves have not grown up to be responsible? Or they were taught like that, and they do not see other options? Look, there are options. I quote here.


"The adult either shifts responsibility to the child, or takes it upon himself.

Here is an example with a tricycle. The example is the same, but in two different versions. To the child 4 years.

The parent explains to the child that when he goes now on a bicycle along this pedestrian path, he must stop right in front of the roadway. The child listens, but due to the fact that the prefrontal cortex at 4 years old is not yet developed, he sees only the road ahead and forgets where exactly to stop. He goes straight and calls in for the permitted border.

And after that, usually in our culture there is the following. Sometimes the parent gives the child a second chance. He takes a thick white chalk, draws a line on the path and once again explains to the child that he should not call in this line. And he warns: "If you do it again, I'll take your bicycle from you!" And so the child again goes on a bicycle and again comes in for a line - he could not remember the rule, most likely he just rode and was happy, enjoying the process. Mom comes to him and says: "I warned you, but you did not listen to me and now I take your bike from you and take it to the garage." The child is upset, crying. Mom continues: "You had a chance, I warned you, but you did not listen."

Question: whose in this situation is the fault that the child has traveled behind the line? - The fault here lies on the child. The parent accuses the child. Was there an adult on the side of the child in this situation? Was there a place for the child's tears? Was there an understanding between the adult and the child? No. The adult blamed the child.

And here is the second version of the same situation. I look at my child, he is 4 years old. He rides his tricycle on the sidewalk and does not stop in front of the road. I'm worried about him - it's not safe. I understand that the responsibility for my child lies with me. I realize that this is still an immature man, he has not yet developed the prefrontal cortex of the brain. So who is responsible for ensuring that the child is safe? - Me. As a matter of fact this is my mistake. I thought that the child would stop at the line where the roadway begins, but it turned out that no, he is not yet ready for it. And this is my mistake. The fact that he is still immature is not his fault. But I can not skate here, I'll have to remove it. Only so I can protect my child.

From the outside - for a person looking at both situations from the side - everything looks the same: Mom takes the bicycle, takes it to the garage. But there is a big difference in something.
I do not care, I sympathize with the child: "Oh, honey, I can not ride here, I have to remove the bicycle, it's not safe to ride here." "But I want to skate so much, Mom ...." - "I know, darling, I know, but my mother must take it away." It did not work out the way we wanted. Another time. I see how upset you are. wanted to ride, and my mother takes the bike. "

Who in this version of history is responsible for what happened? Who is guilty? - I. This is my responsibility. I need to remove the bicycle. Of course, the child is bad, of course, he is upset, even angry. I'm with him, I'm on his side, not against him. I help him to survive it, to adapt to the fact that we will not go on a bicycle to the roadway.

I do not blame, I'm not ashamed. I help to adapt and calm down. I'm responsible.

Yes, I sometimes have to set boundaries, stop my children. Because I'm responsible for them. But I do all this, staying on their side. "Сравнение метода столкновения с последствиями с подходом Ньюфелда. Пример с трехколесным велосипедом
 
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